Saturday, 12 December 2009

FNAT Blog - Friday 11th December 2009

It’s Friday night! It’s Ten O’clock! It’s John, Sean and the Voice of Youth and it’s FNAT! For three hours every Friday night you get an awe-inspiring mix of rock ‘n’ roll music spanning the ages, splashed with irreverent chat and a dash of odd news. Don’t miss out on this mystical experience, though if you do, there’s always the iPlayer…

This week’s FNAT-blast had a Midnight Chain about brothers featured the following thoughts and fragments of wisdom. What FNAT facts did we find out about in the latest edition?
  • The outstanding segues that are artistically splashed through every single edition of FNAT come at no extra expense to licence fee payers. The incredible edits that seamlessly stitch together the show’s links come to you thanks to “40 years in the business, darling” and are totally free for the audience.
  • Going to watch Porcupine Tree live will leave you with more questions than answers, especially if you concentrate on the screen images projected behind the band. We will never know whether the moody girl listening to her iPod in the film got hit by that oncoming train.
  • If you are over the age of 50, the biggest threat to your health is your slippers. For your own safety and status as a cool old codger, hook yourself up with a pair of moccasins so you are less likely to stumble and break something. Moccasins are a very rock ‘n’ roll form of indoor footwear especially when toasty warm after a night spent on the radiator.
  • Touring psychics need more than a crystal ball and a Romany caravan as they cast dire omens on the pub-going locals across the land. A significant organised effort encompassing a road crew, a set list and a merch-stand operation to flog t-shirts is a must for the modern medium looking to really rock venues across the country and ride out the recession.
  • The best present to give children this Christmas is a tattoo kit. Not only are you encouraging their young minds to be imaginative and artistic but they’re guaranteed never to forget your generous gift when it’s inked on their skin for eternity.
iPlayer listen again possibilities and full playlist here...

Friday, 11 December 2009

The James Clayton Column on Den of Geek: Coen Brothers - Sadistic Siblings

Weekly column for Den of Geek posted up on their superb site every Friday...

Jefferson Airplane and eminent leaders of the Jewish community put the question to you: "Don't you want somebody to love?" If so, you could do worse than sit back and watch a Coen Brothers flick to find a figure of compassion with whom you can establish a psychic empathetic link.

I get a huge kick out of the movies that siblings Ethan and Joel make. Their features are stylish, sophisticated and always come together incredibly as strong compelling narratives. It doesn't matter which of their masterpieces I catch a moment of, seeing a single clip of a Coen creation can leave me mesmerised and mulling over said film for days.

I and a great many other film fans love the Coen Brothers (some so much that they occasionally give them awards or host Lebowski Fests), but do they love us? They give us astounding, gripping features, for sure, but off the back of seeing A Serious Man, I'm coming to the conclusion that the brothers are, in fact, sadistic bastards with a disturbing taste for schadenfreude, desperate to pull viewers through a portal of pain and misanthropy.

How many more times can the pair happily produce movies in which an embattled individual is condemned to suffer mounting woe and misfortune? From Blood Simple to Burn After Reading via Barton Fink and Fargo, most movies in the Coen collection have the core theme 'simple person falls into elaborate chain of unfortunate events and grapples helplessly with the spiralling turmoil'. Repeatedly, as the convoluted plots progress, hopes of reprieve become ever more unlikely and scenarios snowball into absolute catastrophe and inevitable doom.

Seeing these humble souls suffer every obstacle and extra-layer of trouble that the Coens stack on them is enough to move even the most cold-hearted cinemagoer to sympathy. These characters are sometimes crossing moral lines and acting in a questionable manner, but you'd be hard pressed to say the punishment they receive is proportional to their 'sin'. Their financial difficulties, family strife and desperate situations are never of their own making. As victims of circumstance it's unfair that they're forced to endure perpetual torment.

Considering the grief given to Jerry Lundegaard in Fargo, for instance, I don't blame him for concocting a barmy plot to hold his wife ransom. All these people want is some good luck, affection and respect. If we're all helpless and have no say over the fickle finger of fate, the least the audience can do is sigh with empathy and offer their support from the other side of the screen.

Yet the Coens keep on serving up these wretches and dragging them through the wringer in the name of making a good movie, and possibly in an attempt to generate 'pain for pleasure' (I bet when they're not crafting films they're pulling the wings off insects or kicking hobos off park benches).

Larry Gopnik of A Serious Man is probably the most unfortunate of the brothers' leading losers so far: a simple enough, average middle-aged man who isn't out to hurt anyone. He's likeable and totally inoffensive, yet he's bombarded from all sides by a never-ending deluge of nightmare occurrences, ordeals and disasters. Larry needs more than a hug.

With Judaism inextricably linked to his life and looped into the problems and potential solutions, Larry spends the entire film grappling with big metaphysical, moral questions. Throughout he's asking, "Why me?" or "What is God trying to tell me?"

For all his pleas to various rabbis he doesn't receive an adequate answer. No one can tell him what the point of his suffering is. No one enlightens him as to the lesson to be learned. Thrown into a philosophical quagmire of ‘bad things happen to good people just because...', I find myself hurting for unlucky Larry, leaning over the edge of an existential void, screaming at the Coen Brothers: "Why are you doing this to this poor man?! Give him a break!"

Why, indeed? I accept the message that the Universe is chaos, that ‘we can't ever really know what's going on' and that we are all meagre mortals scrabbling about under the will of greater forces (whatever they may be), but does Larry really have to be the pincushion on which the point is repeatedly stabbed? As much as I appreciate the Coen Brothers' mastery and would rate A Serious Man as an absolute classic, I'm eagerly awaiting a DVD release that can offer some alternative scenes or maybe even an entire new cut.

Larry Gopnik deserves some relief. I'm pretty sure that the guy smiles no more than twice over the course of the entire film, so to redress this really upsetting imbalance, I'm appealing for a sort of Sliding Doors-style do-over to accompany the original movie, available for DVD watchers to flip to whenever they feel like giving Gopnik an easier ride.

It could be titled 'The Dybbuk Cut' after the doppelgänger of Jewish folklore that features in the film's prologue. Basically, at bookmarked intervals where Larry is beset by another bad-turn, viewers can switch to the 'happy' cut and, instead of seeing the physics professor plunge into more misery, get an optimistic alternative.

Don't want to see the distressed man have to pay more legal fees, be patronised by his wife's lover or get more negativity thrust in his face? You now have the opportunity to flick the smile switch and watch events unfold more auspiciously in a mirrorverse where Gopnik's kids shower him with gratitude, imbeciles don't hassle him and the rabbis provide resounding spiritual insight.

If we can't face the insanity of the world and the prospect of A Serious Man - as outstanding as it is - is too much to bear, having an 'ostrich-head-in-the-sand' variant edit would be welcome for the days when you want a classic Coen Brothers movie without the sense of melancholy.

Once they've remoulded A Serious Man into its ‘Larry-friendly' form, they could go on to fabricate fantasy alternate versions of their other movies and save further perpetually-punished protagonists from everlasting hell. Imagine the happy, harmonious endings: the fake wife-ransom plot comes off without kerfuffle in Fargo; a wrestling movie gets written in Barton Fink and "it's a pip"; no German nihilists pee on The Dude's rug in The Big Lebowski. Oh Coens, don't you want somebody to love? There's an entire canon of characters that you've created who are crying out for care and affection.

Saturday, 5 December 2009

FNAT Blog - Friday 4th December 2009

It’s Friday night! It’s Ten O’clock! It’s John, Sean and the Voice of Youth and it’s FNAT! For three hours every Friday night you get an awe-inspiring mix of rock ‘n’ roll music spanning the ages, splashed with irreverent chat and a dash of odd news. Don’t miss out on this mystical experience, though if you do, there’s always the iPlayer…
This week’s FNAT-blast had a Midnight Chain about sisters and featured the following thoughts and fragments of wisdom. What FNAT facts did we find out about in the latest edition?

  • It’s worth taking a look in your loft to see if you can find your Little Steven and the Disciples of Soul tour t-shirt. Said item of apparel ranks as one of the most priceless pieces of rock ‘n’ roll memorabilia; even rarer than a good Nickelback song.
  • The people of Jersey didn't name their island after a hip-hop artist. This is going to come as a huge disappointment to Jay-Z when he stops by before headlining the Isle of Wight festival to show his appreciation to his Channel Island homies next summer.
  • If you’re thinking of buying some pickled beetroot to put in your Grandma’s Christmas hamper, only buy a jar that's been produced through biodynamic farming. The only beets worth eating are those that have been grown in soil treated with specially-administered fertiliser made of yarrow-infused manure from spiritualised cows whose horns are attuned to the cycles of the moon.
  • Doing the whole Lady and the Tramp shared-spaghetti-strand-kiss is a romantic thing that everyone should experience. This magic moment should not, however, be shared with your dog.
  • Morrissey’s leather-free shoes may make cows smile but those who pay a fortune for vegan footwear will only feel downtrodden and miserable once they realise that a pair of £15 plimsolls offer their toes far more comfort.
  • Despite what bad soap operas suggest, thugs and hoodlums-for-hire don’t listen to AC/DC before they go and rough people up. As sociopaths with no musical sensitivity, they psych themselves up to the sound of white noise.
Full playlist and iPlayer listen again possibilities here...

Friday, 4 December 2009

The James Clayton Column on Den of Geek: Bah Humbug, Batman!

Weekly column published every Friday on the Den of Geek website...

Holy holly wreath, Batman! Catching the climax of Tim Burton's Batman Returns on TV the other day, I was reminded just how lucky we all are that Christopher Nolan came along and gave us Batman Begins and The Dark Knight. The toy town vision of Gotham City presented by Burton has its fun moments, but damn: it just isn't Batman, DC Comics' dark vigilante crusader.

The whole camp, candy cane adaptation is only justifiable, in my eyes, if you disengage your brain, pretend it isn't a Batman film and take it as a trashy escapist Christmas flick. The fact that this was being broadcast before the end of November, thus, makes it invalid. If the televisual authorities wanted to air a Burton film, they should have stuck on something like Sleepy Hollow or Corpse Bride. If they wanted a Batman film, they should have gone for one of Nolan's dark crime-dramas.

Batman Returns may not be the one where George Clooney is forced to wear the nipplesuit and Joel Schumacher's name may be absent from the credits, but that doesn't excuse the decision to stick it on the schedules before an advent calendar has been opened. Someone, I feel, must be made to pay for this travesty of bad timing and bad taste.

Now that we're into December, however, I suppose it would be alright to sit down and have the dubious pleasure of seeing Danny DeVito's Penguin flirting with Michelle Pfeiffer's Catwoman. Maybe, with the spirit of Christmas goodwill and generosity in the atmosphere, I could forgive the corny lines and total cringeworthiness of the whole enterprise... Nah. Bah humbug and never mind.

Still, the point is that certain movies just seem wrong when experienced outside of a particular time of year and Batman Returns is one of them. It's just about half-credible as a cheesy holiday crapfest and belongs in the 'Only Acceptable at Xmas' box. Being in this box doesn't necessarily make a movie a bad one: I'd count classics like Home Alone and White Christmas as being members of the 'Advent Calendar Film Club'. Outside of festive context, though, watching them would be a deflating experience that'd make you feel ill and unstable. Just as you shouldn't be eating mince pies and Yule log in July, you should not be watching Elf after New Year's Day.

The premature release of the most recent adaptation of A Christmas Carol way back at the start of November is a case in point. I hadn't even contemplated Christmas when I was first assaulted by the trailer and saw adverts decking the sides of busses. Department stores hadn't even started to crank the 'Christmas Party Pop Classics' compilations and tart up the aisles with tinsel in an attempt to encourage consumers to go on a festive spend frenzy. Why would I want to see A Christmas Carol before it was even December?

Now that that time has come, I'd be alright going to feel like a three-dimensional Ebenezer Scrooge (sounding suspiciously like Jim Carrey) was emerging from the screen to hit me in the face every few minutes.

Despite this, even though I'm free to see the seasonal movie at the cinema, I don't want to. Chances are it's not going to upset me as much as Batman Returns, but the whole performance capture treatment employed in Robert Zemeckis' Dickens do-over creeps me out as it makes the characters look like dead-eyed plastic people. It's the same unnerving CGI technology that the Forrest Gump director used in The Polar Express, and that movie, to me, looks like a scarier proposition than The Exorcist.

I'll also be passing on Zemeckis's A Christmas Carol because the tale has been done time and time again across film and TV; so much so that all it would take is a Star Wars version with C-3PO playing the ghost of Jacob Marley to convince Dickens to come back to life and command us to leave his moral fable alone. Having seen enough different versions, I firmly believe that nothing can top the definitive take that absolutely trounces any other spins on the story. All others perish and pale into insignificance at the feet of the 1992 masterpiece A Muppet Christmas Carol that pits Michael Caine's Scrooge against the entire Muppet pantheon.

If everything is ten times better with puppets (the poorest Jerry Bruckheimer movie becomes great comedy in Team America: World Police and a simple good-versus-evil tale becomes fantasy cinema gold in The Dark Crystal), then the presence of Jim Henson's Muppets makes everything twenty times better. This has been proved recently by the immense popularity of the viral video of the Muppets covering Bohemian Rhapsody on the web. Does anyone remember the headbanging sequence in Wayne's World? Not anymore. Future generations will first experience the genuine Queen prog-rock magnum opus and substitute the lyrics "I see a little silhouette-o of a clam!" as standard.

If anything is going to keep out the winter blues (brought on as they are by repeated attacks from bracing cold winds and bad Batman movies on TV) it's going to be the fuzzy form of the Muppets coming into view on my favourite viral vid floating on YouTube - even better than the Bohemian Rhapsody spoof - is of Beaker meeping his way through Beethoven's 9th symphony. Hearing Ode To Joy - Alex de Large's favourite tune - performed by the puppet really makes you realise how truly spectacular it would be if the Muppets were to remake A Clockwork Orange.

In fact, the Muppets should remake everything starting with the greatest movies of the early Seventies as a sort of easy introduction to grittier material for younger audiences. Dirty Harry could become Dirty Fozzie and you can just imagine how excellent The Exorcist would be with Animal possessed by Satan, standing in for Linda Blair.

Once the world has accepted that everything is improved with Muppets, they could even try and remake Batman Returns. Look closely and you can see how Kermit the Frog would easily assume the position occupied by Michael Keaton.

Right, if we're in December, far-fetched Christmas fantasising is now acceptable. To Santa Claus or the people at the Jim Henson Company who can make it happen: this year as a Christmas present I want more Muppet movies to save me from festive film misery in the future. In the meantime, I'll be getting into the festive mood with A Muppet Christmas Carol. "There goes Mr. Humbug, there goes Mr. Grim..."

Saturday, 28 November 2009

FNAT Blog - November 27th 2009

It’s Friday night! It’s Ten O’clock! It’s John, Sean and the Voice of Youth and it’s FNAT! For three hours every Friday night you get an awe-inspiring mix of rock ‘n’ roll music spanning the ages, splashed with irreverent chat and a dash of odd news. Don’t miss out on this mystical experience, though if you do, there’s always the iPlayer…

This week’s FNAT-blast had a midnight chain about numbers and featured the following thoughts and fragments of wisdom. What FNAT facts did we find out about in the latest edition?

  • Any radio or television programme makers who feel that their show is lacking excitement, high-pitch cheeriness and the necessary upbeat energy should watch BBC Autumnwatch. They’ve planned a great show especially for you! Yaaaaaaay!
  • Radio sudoku will never work.
  • The offer of exclusive turkey-and-stuffing flavour Pot Noedl’dle isn’t going to increase the number of raw recruits enlisting in the British Army. No limited edition festive snack is worth going to the Taliban heartlands of Afghanistan for.
  • Dialling up 8675-309 will not get you Jenny. Calling that number will get you Buffalo town’s Chief of Police, and he doesn’t take kindly to being woken up at 3am to listen to some soppy, lovestruck teenager drunkenly whining “Jenny! I really, really, really fancy you I do!
  • Punk band Bad Religion spend Friday nights playing bingo with the senior citizens of south California.
  • No one can remember the night King Tut played Blackpool in the seventies and the archaeological evidence of the Pharaoh’s appearance at the Winter Gardens sadly eludes historians. If you don’t know who King Tutankhamun is, ask your mummy.
  • If you stand on the shores of Lake Ontario and catch the scent of the wind you’ll discover that winter is here. Winter comes with whiff of cinnamon amidst the stench of avarice and fumes from the packed cars of Americans going to visit their family at Thanksgiving.

Full playlist and BBC iPlayer listen again possibilities accessible here...

Friday, 27 November 2009

The James Clayton Column on Den of Geek: An Auteur for Zac Efron

Friday column posted weekly on the wonderful Den of Geek website...

No, your eyes aren't deceiving you and no, you haven't slipped into a strange, surreal alternate universe. You have read the words "Zac Efron" and "Me And Orson Welles" in the same sentence; this unexpected combination is not an error.

Efron is the blue-eyed star of High School Musical, known and loved by tweenage girls the world over. Orson Welles was the stage and screen impresario who, despite being something of an outcast in Hollywood, casts long shadows over every film studies curriculum that academics conjure up and has a stature that commands tremendous respect.

At first, the two big names don't appear to be kindred brethren. With Efron starring in Richard Linklater's new movie Me And Orson Welles, however, we may actually find that Disney's boy wonder is maturing to the sort of acting ability and critical renown as the bold-voiced one who appeared in classics like The Third Man and Touch Of Evil.

In the film, Efron plays a young thespian who encounters Welles and joins the cast of the 1937 New York production of Shakespeare's Julius Caesar. It sounds slightly more sophisticated than High School Musical; this may be where we see Efron's liberating leap from material like 17 Again to stuff as substantial and stimulating as Citizen Kane.

Yet, appearing in a period film about proper thesps and the high-culture arena of Elizabethan theatre is not enough. If the young Mr. Efron is to well and truly shed his tweeny-pop poster boy past and establish a reputation as a well-rounded, respectable actor, he needs to follow in the footsteps of his role model, Leonardo DiCaprio.

DiCaprio's ascent only really came about once Martin Scorsese took the actor under his wing and unleashed the very best of his talent that had previously been buried below the surface. Before Marty decided to dispense with DeNiro as his automatic ‘go-to-guy' and cast DiCaprio as Amsterdam Vallon in Gangs Of New York, Leo was dismissed as the fringed drip who got dropped into the ocean at the end of Titanic.

Following great performances in The Aviator and The Departed that led to other excellent roles, DiCaprio is now praised as one of the most capable and compelling leading actors in Hollywood. Before Scorsese, it was hard to think of DiCaprio without seeing images of a ship sinking and little girls squealing at topless pictures of the heartthrob who played Baz Luhrmann's Romeo. Now, DiCaprio's name brings thoughts of award nominations, dramatic versatility and determined environmental campaigning. Leo has come a long, long way.

If Efron hopes to mature and make such great strides then he, too, requires a director to channel the raw essence that's hiding behind those soppy blue eyes. What Efron needs is an auteur with whom he can create astounding films that will go down in cinema history. Which acclaimed idiosyncratic auteurs should the High School Musical hero seek out? Here are some collaboration ideas that could yield tremendous results...

Tim Burton

Johnny Depp must be exhausted of playing Burton's key characters by now, so for a change the young idol could take the place of the leading actor of Edward Scissorhands and Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber Of Fleet Street. At the mercy of the Corpse Bride director and his distinctive Victoriana-tinged gothic style, Efron would surely shake off his wholesome all-American teen image and find the darker depths under the sweet exterior. After several main parts in weird and wondrous movies that demand a variety of eccentric hairstyles, Efron would be hailed by critics and horrify all those who go googly-eyed at the site of his fringe.

Efron goes oddball: critical acclaim.

Woody Allen

By hooking up with the brains behind Annie Hall, Efron would, no doubt, find his days of mulling through gloopy teen romances at an end. Instead, he'd be appearing in films about real adult relationships and all the sexual quandaries and confusion they entail. No more über-teen-dream posturing for our young idol now. Under Allen he gets to grow up and become a flappable neurotic nerd with an insatiable sexual appetite who either needs a psychiatrist or a very patient Rabbi.

Efron agonises: critical acclaim.

John Woo

As Efron gets to scatter birds in one of Woo's trademark 'dove slo-mo' shots, he casts off all kiddie associations and unleashes the tough action star within. It's not all bad for fans of the handsome Mouseketeer, though, as all the slow-motion fight scenes ensure lingering images of his good looks. At least, his looks remain good until he gets shot to bits and is rendered a bloody, bullet-ridden mess in the stylish gun-fu sequences that the director of The Killer and Mission: Impossible 2 does so well.

Efron's ass capped: critical acclaim.

Pedro Almodóvar

The Spanish director specialises in female dramas, so maybe it's time he placed Penelope Cruz to one side and tried his hand at making a film about a man. Enter the American youth as the perfect new muse for the auteur behind All About My Mother and Volver. What better way for Efron to shake off the High School Musical jock-strap images than by trying material about tough life choices, sexual desire and transvestitism?

Efron embraces cross-dressing: critical acclaim.

Werner Herzog

Efron could fill the void left by the deceased Klaus Kinski and come to recreate the antagonistic love/hate relationship that lies at the heart of the Nosferatu: Phantom der Nacht director's best work. It'd be hard on the teen hero, but should Herzog cast the 17 Again star as a representation of humankind's insignificance against the power of nature and put him through the demands of hellish jungle shoots, he'd, no doubt, develop both personally and professionally. It would also be fun to see the Fitzcarraldo helmer make a non-documentary version of Grizzly Man and give the title part of Timothy Treadwell to Efron, enabling audiences the appealing sight of the guy getting eaten by an Alaskan bear.

Efron gets eaten: critical acclaim.

David Lynch

By surrendering himself to the warped and twisted visions of the Mulholland Drive director -as unravelled by transcendental meditation and surreal dreams - Disneyfied Efron would definitely die. Out of all possible collaborations, the most promising would probably be with the creator of Eraserhead. I'd enjoy watching an incomprehensible Lynch flick take Efron into a dark and disconcerting nightmare world where he's asked to look after a mutant baby that goes on to bite off his ear.

Efron unnerved by the unbearable subconscious horrors of the id: critical acclaim.

Sunday, 22 November 2009

FNAT Blog - Friday 20th November 2009

It’s Friday night! It’s Ten O’Clock! It’s John, Sean and the Voice of Youth and it’s FNAT! For three hours every Friday night you get an awe-inspiring mix of rock ‘n’ roll music spanning the ages, splashed with irreverent chat and a dash of odd news. Don’t miss out on this mystical experience, though if you do, there’s always the iPlayer…

This week’s FNAT-blast had a midnight chain themed on 'help' and featured the following thoughts and fragments of wisdom. What FNAT facts did we find out about in the latest edition?

  • If you open a car boot on television, there's a 50% chance that there’s a dead body inside. It may even be Archie Mitchell of Eastenders. But who's going to kill him? And why are they being so picky? If you're going to get merry on your soap opera Christmas murder spree, why not wipe out every bah humbug misery guts in the neighbourhood?
  • Lady Gaga will have to pull out all the stops to astound people when she performs at the Royal Variety Show. Bloody mock-suicide shows and firework-throwing bras are the stuff of an average night out in Blackpool.Sir James Oliver, Crusader for Quality Cuisine, may require the assistance of St. Delia Smith if he's to convert fast food-chomping infidel Canadians to worship homecooked nutritious grub.
  • You mustn't throw the heavy metal horns if you aren't a headbanger. If you do, Dee Snider of Twisted Sister will attack you for your "rampant abuse" of the sacred symbol and reclaim those horns. He won't rest until every non-metal poseur has had their fingers broken and their memory forever scarred by the night the blonde bombshell dropped through their bedroom window and delivered a brutal command to "get your own sign!"
  • Owning an iPhone does not make you metrosexual (neither does having the 'Mister Metrosexual' app). To be metrosexual you must've had a serious romantic relationship with a tram.

Full playlist and listen again option via BBC iPlayer here...